i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
