So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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