My brain says no but my pants say off.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
