You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
