Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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