I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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