I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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