Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
