I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
