it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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