me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
