I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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