That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
