Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
