Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
