This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
