Tell her she can't have a vagina
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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