I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
