Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
