If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
