I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
