I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm both gender and math confused
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
