Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
