found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
