How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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