I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
