look no pants
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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