She went from zero to smokin in five shots
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's blow job season.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
