I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
