I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
