At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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