Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
only you would photoshop your dick
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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