I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
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We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
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I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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