Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
