Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Dignity is for republicans.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
