I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
