did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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