Tell her she can't have a vagina
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
