Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
