Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
