went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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