4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
