I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
