i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
