Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
