tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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