So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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