How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
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He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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