if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
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I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
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Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.