he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
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MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
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Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.