I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
