Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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