hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
