Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
