As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
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Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
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had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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