You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
