I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
