So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You are a genius and a whore.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
