Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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