I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
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I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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