I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
