We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
