there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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